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  Chapter 1


You should probably know that today is double day undie day at Union school.  You should probably not know that I have mine on inside out and backwards.  Double Day Undie Day was invented so we could do less laundry, use less water, and save the whole wide wild world.  It’s all part of a plan called the Greenish New Deal.

And hello.  My name is Vector.  Yes, it’s my real name.  I know, I know.  I’m a barely single 8th grader, I once put blue cotton candy in the buns of my undies to scare the doctor, I smell my socks after I take them off, I once tricked the tooth fairy, I’ve never met my dad or your dad, and sometimes I say very dumb dumb things.  

And some kids think what I am about to say is a very dumb dumb thing.  The good news is that I didn’t say it.  This new super green girl Ali said it, and I said what she said.  Ali said that since so many moms and dads were driving big butt cars, gasses were fogging up the heavens, trapping sun beams, and making the world warmer.  Ali said if it gets too hot, the North Pole is going to melt, Santa is going to sink, and we are going to have to cancel Christmas forever and forever and ever. 

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Please don’t pee your pants yet.  I promise it’s not too late.  If you pay close attention and agree not to wash your legs or fart on Fridays for a year, you might just Save Santa.  

The Greenish New Deal is a plan that a squad of girls at Union School is trying to make into a law.  They said our school soot from burning milk cartons was polluting the planet.  They want to force us to make less smog, recycle plastics, and take colder shorter showers.

One of the ideas of the Greenish New Deal is to save water, so we turned our undies inside out and wore them a 2nd day.  Double Day Undies.  They also have a thing called, “When it’s yellow let it mellow, when it’s brown flush it down.”  It’s about the bathroom, so I won’t explain.  What I will explain is that I thought it would be a good idea to weewee in the shower instead of wasting toilet water.  And I tried it last night.  I saved 5 gallons with that tinkle, but my Momma was mad about it.  I guess I am supposed to only do that when she isn’t in the shower.



Okay, unless you have been in a coma in a coffin in a cave, you have already heard about Union School.  We are kind of famous since our class president vowed to build a tall wall around the school pool to keep trespassing kids from sneaking in, laughing in Spanish, and naked belly flopping off the diving board at night.

Ronald Triumph said that if we don’t build a tall wall, we can never ever forever be safe.  He said schools with a small wall have illegal cursing kids turding up the water and boys snapping bra backs and stealing socks.  He said we need a big old giant slippery tall wall or we will be in deep danger.

Ronald Triumph oathed to make Union School great again, and scared a lot of us, especially my brother Timmy.  My brother is terrified that illegal kids are going to sneak into our pool and hold him underwater and blow bubbles out of their shorts. 


And now he is worried because Ronald Triumph said we should be worried about Green Girls.  He said their lies and cries were going to mess up a great again thing.  


The new Green girl, Ali Ocasio-Cortez, doesn’t think we need Ronald Triumph’s tall wall to keep us safe.  Ali thinks we should make illegal kids legal kids so they wouldn’t be illegal kids.  And Ali thinks there is no wall that is going to keep us safe from the real threat to Union School and the world.  Global warming and the pissy planet.

Ali wants us to know that our heated school pool trampoline and our burning churning incinerator is what is smoking up the skies and making the world dangerously hotter.  Ali said in 11 and 7/12 years, we were going to boil into fleshy boney skin bubbles.

Ali said it’s good to be toasty, unless you live on an iceberg and your reindeer start sinking.  She said that if we keep smoking up the skies, the North Pole is going to melt, Santa is going to drown, and all of the polars bears will swim to Alaska and eat the little girls.

I know no eskimos, but I suddenly was scared for Santa.  I forgot about the pool problems and remembered Dasher and Dancer and Prancer.

Ronald Triumph said Ali was full of smoke.  He said she was a bully for scaring Christmas kids.  Ronald Triumph said she was a huge bully, but he has a bone spur on his tooth so it sounded like ‘yuge’ bully. 



I don’t know if Ali is a yuge bully, but I know she is loyal to the soil and doing her everything to stop global warming and save the solar system.  She was elected to the Student Council when she warned us that they would cancel Christmas if she lost.  She said it would be Chrismissed.  

Ali has wise owl eyes, started a school clapback team, and is the district “I know you are but what am I?” champion.  

Ali and her girl squad are scaring the squirt out of us about how the end of the fun world is coming if don’t support the Greenish New Deal. 

The Green Girls are not always gentle.  And they are not your sister’s sisters.  Unless your sister’s sisters are clever, bold, and allergic to apologies. 

The Green Girls aren’t taking maybe for an answer, and they are pinching, plucking, and popping boys who don’t believe in global warming.  Those Green Girls are breaking ears, smashing nipples, and squeezing kids so hard their innies turn to outies.  

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